Impatient and Alive

Is patience an innate quality ....i firmly believe so

Some may acquire it over time (trust me it takes years and a lot of bothersome people to get there! ;) )   ; but most struggle with it

In some the lack of it or a limited quota manifests itself as 'exuberance' , 'enthusiam' or in more common terms - impatience

The person might be the same , with the same temprament - but the above observations vary completely on 'Who' is dealing with them , 'When' , and for 'What'

Ofcourse i fall in the above category :) ..

While a lot of people find impatience ..impertinent and annoying ...it also brings the spark and zing to the lives of the very patient souls

Impatience has its perks and pitfalls - while it brings out the risk taker in you and makes to try what is new and different ;  drives high energy levels and spontaniety to deliver more and better results

However  it might lead you to lose an opportunity which was just around the corner before you drove past it  and more often than not it also goes hand in hand with speaking before you think , which can be disastrous at times :P

Patience has it's many virtues - clear headed decision making  waiting for the opportune moment ; but overthinking might also mean undue proscrastination or no decision at all and missing the right moment to speak up

Infinite patience based on experience and wisdom is the touchstone we all strive for , but till then we need to find a balance between the two

So while i patiently wait to become patient ... i choose impatience ...speaking my mind .. to atleast feel alive !!! Regrets of speaking your mind sometimes when it was better to be patient ...driving faster than required .. will remain but atleast my impertinence will bring some zing to a crabby patient soul :) !



  

Losing a strain of thought is like losing the way
only worse because you forget 'what' you were thinking about

Sochte hain

phir gaur karein
ye darkhwast hai
aagey dekhein ,
ye koshish hai
par peeche mud gaye
toh ye bhi toh ek bat hai

Samjhe hi nahi
Ya kucch aur samjhe
Ye na socha tha kabhie
Gunjaish bhi dhoondhte hai
Umeed bhi karte hai
Par zindagi aaina dikhane saamne khadi hai
Aur ham parchaain ki chhhaanh me khade hai...

waiting for the barfi moment ...

 Thoughts flow
words too
upheaval.. emotion
numb calm

Expectations
Anwers
Negations
Hope
Despair

A spun web
hanging in the air
but it's not mine
but i like it there ...

Abode : yours or mine

There was a semblance of silence ..
The sun was planning to rise and the horizon was just about an uncertain hue of pink
Sleep was sound and the peace of mind profound ...with no trepidation, unfettered on a Sunday
and then the whisper of a flutter ...gentle taps...followed by an orchestra of tap..rustle..restlessness
I finally open my eyes to stare into unblinking pair of eyes peering down in condescention and irritation (from a position of advantage ofcourse)
No need to look at the time ...its 5.30 am ...its my timely wake up call ..unscheduled ..uninvited ...
But it does not end here ..after the stare there is feet stamping furore and fury...
I get out of bed...clamber up the ledge ..there are two of them today ...
I finally put them out of their misery with minor backlashes and go back to checking every two minutes ....are they back !!
Next week ...i get their entry barred ..there are a few break ins but finally i manage to keep them out !!
But ahoy the taps and stares continue ..!! No need to invest in an alarm or think about wake up blues
I have made my peace with them and sleep blissfully till 5 every day ..greet them at 5.30 and nod off again ...
Afterall the window ledge was their home for much longer than mine ...
To the comradeship ..Pigeons and Me ...

Osi ..and Sol

Scuttling behind the shrubs ...there were two tiny sparkling specks of black ..absorbing it all in...as if the sunlight would never come back again.
There was shadow, there was movement ..and a pull at the back of the head that was almost magnetic ......
But still i was still not sure ...

The sun was out and I had , had this feeling ...or as I had begun to believe a hallucination....for the last one month ...

However , that sunday ...with winters around the corner .. probably the one of the last sunshine filled day....she could not bear to be hidden ..

In a black and white frilly gingham she was lying sprawled on the the warm grass..breathing in the sun...

I tip toed ..peeped as she did ..and i guess she also felt the pull

She opened one eye ..peered at me and said " You are blocking my sun" and closed her eyes..
I stood staring and wondering for a long while ..nodded my head and thought i had hallucinated too
Next sunday ..i sneaked a glance towards the garden ..she was not there ..she would not be..i mused ..it was windy ..chilly and "her" sun was hidden behind the clouds or was it that she was a mirage that appeared after a long walk on bright sunny afternoons...
Three months later..some spring ...the first sunny day...there was a knock....
She stood at 3 feet ..looking up at me .."give me the garden keys ..why have you fenced it ..it's higher than what me can jump over..."
Guilitily ..i handed over the keys and laid it on her open palm...finally assured she was for real ...

Well..i knew she was real ..but she was just too out of place when i first saw her...a chinese girl ...in a spanish speaking country ...speaking broken spanish ..in an old age home ...was unusual ...


A knock came 3 hours later ..a bulky guy ..." your little friend has asked me to pull down the fence ..thought might tell you.." and he walked away...

Alarmed i shuffled after him and watched him remove the fence piece by piece ..neatly...

He felt the pull at the back of his head too .." The little one did the same to me ..Now what do you want?"

Call her ..He whistled some sort of a name and she came.They shook hands ..then he bounced her up and down and left ..

She walked up to me and said " Don't lock it up..it's meant to be free...."
The next day ..and the next she did not come ..

I realised with the fence around it and no visitors ..my garden had stopped blooming ...it was quiet ...

She came a week later ..slept on the grass..found a puppy ..fed him grass and breathed in the sun
I repeated our previous encounter...and peeped down at her .This time she opened both her eyes...parkling little black dots in an abundance of pale cheeks' We never saw the sun, we only moved at night and then ..i saw the sun here .You can take it now .'

She got up , held my hand and led me to the sunniest spot....'This one is yours'
That evening ..there was the first spring bloom....a smile which i had lost.....

Osi did not come back again.

and later i learnt ..she'd been moved to another refugee shelter..far from this part of town....where she would find her 'Sol' (Sun) and breathe life into someone else's existence...

__________________________________________________
There was shadow, there was movement ..but it was all hidden ..and you know it was hidden.........well it was her shadow against the sun..and we call it Shy

Key

The key to everything is knowing that no such key exists...

Once the hope is gone..u ne way dig ur own path and make ur own key....
it may be right or it may not be...
In such cases it just means you are at the wrong door.....

every..

Every single bit of existence
Every whiff of breath
Every sliver of light
Every sound of silence...

It always about every...

new place new people, badhiya hai

The sense of displacement is hitting me hard
the limbo of a month away from the last place i was in is wearing off
mundane ness has not set in , cos my life has been interesting on an every day basis
But a new place, new people, new culture,new language, new taste of food..is a lil overwhelming
One begins to admire others strength of character who have been able to cope with these changes and also begin to doubt one's own abiloty to do the same
The confidence wears off really fast and old memories begin to haunt you
Future menories as in a vision of how the future u had envisaged may not happen disturbs ur thots
but despite all this am still in a limbo
unable to handle the emotional turmoil of n number of ppl,playing agony aunt, dealing with mutitude of family members..u suddenly feel grown up..but yet not there
it's not abt the years u've put on..but the multiple tasks u can handle.different kinds of ppl u can handle(family, freinds :school, college, wrk, family friends.; colleagues,distant family,landlords), and different emotions(now am not getting into this un!!)

PS : these are not rantings of a teenager struggling to grow up :P